It’s been months since I blogged, life truly got busy this year. There have been a multitude of big events. A death, mr3years weaned ,moving house, a beautiful birth and just generally living each day.
Our darling second son decided that in late march this year he was ready to self wean from our two and a half year breastfeeding journey, a journey which had been so beautiful from the very beginning. So for six months this year I did not breastfeed, it was the first time in over 6 years I had not been breastfeeding. In labour with our daughter I was so excited by the fact I would be breastfeeding again that day, beginning a new journey of love and nourishment with the newest member of our family.
On April 11th this year my nana gracefully left the planet after a long awful but brave battle with the big C. Losing her was hard, it was confusing but through the journey I gained strength and acceptance. I gained love and understanding. I miss her. But knowing her taught me many things and she subconsciously imparted the fact that if you aren’t happy, make a change, nothing is permanent and living in misery is such a waste of a beautiful life.
After living in the house where our second son was born for 3years it became time to move on, so at 31weeks pregnant we packed, we decluttered and we made many trips to our new home filling it with our possessions. After a few days we were in and mostly unpacked. Three months down the track and we love it here, we are much closer to school and to kindergarten. Our family. But I am still no good at keeping the master bedroom tidy and clutter free.
Our beautiful daughter joined us earth side on the 29th of September. She’s 6weeks old now and such a sweetheart. She completes our family so I am relishing in her and her teeny little being while she allows me to. I wear her in our manduca carrier a good ten hours a day and we co-sleep, both which make demand feeding so much easier. I am now the mother of three other human beings, I still struggle to believe it sometimes. They are all so unique and beautiful in their own ways and I’m so proud to be on such a momentous journey with them, helping to nurture them into loving secure individuals.
Don’t get me wrong for the most part it’s pretty awesome, but I’d be lying if I said the hormones and sleep deprivation don’t sometimes get on top of me and we have a rough day where I feel like the world is out to get me.
It’s now November, a month out from Christmas (gifts have been thought of but nothing made/bought yet) and things are starting to get busy,birthdays and other engagements are cropping up left right and centre. We are only just on the other side of a tummy bug. A rental inspection tomorrow, my pregnant sister in law arriving home from her time in Scotland and all while trying to maintain a sense of peace a sense of reality.
It has been one of those days, and I’m saying that at just on lunchtime. A bad nights sleep can really get you down, being tired makes the morning rush harder than it needs to be. This morning was no exception. I woke late, my eldest son refused to eat what I made for breakfast even though his brother and I ate it quite happily. By which time we were late for school. To top it off after a disastrous yesterday (a story for another time) I had forgotten to put petrol in my people mover and of course it didn’t start, what did start were the tears flowing from my eyes as I cried down the phone to my husband who of course was at work. He told me he would leave in ten minutes and come and take our son to school. So back out of the car we got and waited inside for dh, time to cuddle my boys helped me calm down. 25minutes later and my prince swept in and saved me, he filled my car with petrol, gave cuddles and kisses to us all, bundled us in the car and we dropped our boy at school. Whisked to the supermarket and home again where he cleaned the kitchen and did laundry. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. My husband just took it all in his stride like there was nothing to worry about and off he went. I love this man for so many reasons, but his calm nature is such a reassuring feature in times of need.
I wonder at what age children learn that it is ok to go to sleep when you are tired, that it is ok to find somewhere quiet to curl up when you are feeling overwhelmed. I wonder when that will happen. Today the grumpy monster has bitten both my boys are they are hot, tired and feeling a tad frustrated at the world. The solution seems so simple…. To me. To them it seems like I have just announced a trip to have a tooth pulled. We will all breathe a sigh of relief at bedtime this evening. It’s hard to watch and be unable to help when your child clearly needs something more, right now I can almost do nothing but placate the boys until its time for a bath and bed. They are precious beings who a currently creating a little bit of havoc in the living room with blocks and the train set. And some unfortunately realistic plastic spiders.
As adults screaming and crying wont get us what we want, it will certainly gain some bizarre looks though. Our needs seem more complex than our children’s whose needs feel much more primal.
Maybe ours a moulded again by society. Telling us that we must act respectfully, keep our honest true feelings to ourselves incase someone else is offended by what we feel. Children don’t have that filter. I applaud them. Life would be simpler if we all were honest with the world.
A little over a week ago I experienced a complication with my pregnancy, something I have not experienced before. A sub-chorionic hemarrage. My previous pregnancies have gone without any hiccup and I guess I had naively thought this one would be the same. I am upset I was wrong. I was not prepared for how this would impact me. The episode was followed by 24hours in the hospital, which I have to say was traumatising. I have never been a great fan of hospitals, I know they have there place but in my own little world I have managed to avoid them for the most part. I was not sick, so being there felt strange. I feel completely violated from the examinations the incompetent house officer performed. I spent those 24hours unsure if my baby had survived or not. I pray to whoever is out there in the universe that I am beyond thankful that my baby was not harmed by the complication, we saw our healthy wee baby via ultrasound scan the following day and my body, my soul was bombarded with utter relief. I was so scared our wee baby wasn’t going to be alive anymore. Large amounts of blood and pregnant woman just don’t mix.
It’s been 8days and not a single recurrence. Yet today I am feeling really anxious, why I could not tell you. Possibly the fact my husband, my safety, my love and comfort heads back to work tomorrow after a fortnight off. Responsibility then comes back on my shoulders. Responsibility and stress.
Right now I just hope my tiny baby is nestled healthy and well in my womb, growing big and strong.
Child bearing is an amazing time in a woman’s life but goodness knows it bring emotions you never thought you had, it doesn’t get easier with time in fact now I am so well informed the naivety of my first pregnancy seems like bliss.
Saturday beautiful Saturday! Sunshine and a sleep in! My darling boys are out with their Nana at a local agricultural fair having a lovely sunny day, my darling husbands beautiful mama gave us movie tickets to use while she took the boys to the fair so we went to the cinema and saw ” I give it a year” which I have to say was pretty amusing. After which we wandered around the local mall and get something to eat, we laughed as after about 30minutes of being there we realised I had a large stamp on one of my arms and a drawing of flowers on my right foot from my glorious 5year old. It made me happy knowing people could tell I was a happy mama who did neat things with her beautiful children. I look at them as I write this and wish they were permanently so I can always remember this special feeling.
After being on bed rest for a week after some complications with a baby I am up and about again and tending to chores. I’ve felt so out of the loop, I know my job of growing this tiny human being is so important but supporting a busy growing household is something I have missed. My husband acknowledged how hard he has found it taking all of this on, that he has struggled with the huge responsibility of it all. It made me feel so appreciated. So worthy of this big role. So very proud that I seem to be doing such a great job with something that surprisingly comes instinctively.
It’s march and I know summer will soon come to an end, it’s getting darker earlier and eventually the cicadas will stop singing and the dark and the cool weather will return. I hope all the love and happiness this summer has brought me will get me through this years winter blues.
Today I feel blessed the sun rose again, big and bright, my children were happy and well nourished, my husband has been able to spend nearly a fortnight off work enjoying our day to day family life. I have more blessings than I can count, I don’t know whether luck comes into or not. I am incredibly privileged. I have a tiny human being nestled into my womb, whose growth is at a rate which utterly astounds me. I have warmth, love and comfort.
I also have laughter, tonight before bedtime we took the children for a short walk to an empty field next to the river where there are many trees. The boys were happily climbing a fallen tree, my eldest was yelling happily “I’m on top of the world” it was a joy to see him so happy with something so simple. Until he fell, not far thankfully and was shaken but unhurt. I gave him a cuddle and said “that was some amazing climbing you were doing” to which his priceless innocent reply was “but it wasn’t amazing falling” the absolute truth. It’s now dark and my boys are snuggled soundly in their beds, I sit here and listen to the sound of crickets and the silence. All is well in my little world and I blessed beyond belief.
Not living my usual life right now. I am mainly bed bound. Our precious third child is growing snugly in my womb, but my body is finding this third pregnancy much harder than previously expected.
Today will be the first day I am left to fend for myself and my toddler. My toddler who should really be toilet trained. A topic know one really seems terribly fussed about. Only me who sits here looking through my finger print covered lounge windows staring at the clear blue sky, listening to cicada’s, waiting…… waiting for my amazing husband to bring supplies so I can inadvertently lay and hope we survive the day without able bodied help.